Jean Claude Van Damme's Doors

It was raining heavily the other night, with no slight of chance to go out even on a 1 mile run, so it was one of those days where I was able to zap through the channels, seeking to find something to grab my attention: oh my was I in for a surprise.

I come across this kind of reality show theme and immediately recognized the main character: "hey, that's Jean Claude Van Damme!! But, what the heck is he doing dressed in a white robe and slippies? Oh my gosh... I HAVE to watch this..." What came next was a mixture of bizarre events and hillarious unbelievable situations.

Jean Claude Van Damme's Behind Closed Doors (or simply doors) is a reality show aired with a recurrent topic on the current dryspell the Belgian star is currently going through. In order to re-vitalize his career, Jean Claude Van Damme has challenged some Olympic champion dude called Somluck Khamshing, or something that sounds like that...the name is actually really hard to get due to VD's rough accent. The thing is, that it's not the only hard thing to understand from the show.

The first thing you catch is Jean Claude's consistent iteration on the fact that he MUST beat this Khamshing guy he'll be facing. Of course, with me just landing on the show for the first time, I'm not sure whether if this is the show's first, fourth or whatever episode. So I just sit back and relax trying to put together the pieces of this mess.

Minutes go by and Jean Claude is still in the kitchen of this huge LA apartment, talking about how important the fight is to re-vamp his slumping acting career. He affirms that he needs to beat him because it will restore his confidence, refuel his gears, reignite his passion for fighting and basically ..."Re+Anything you can think about". He keeps talking to the camera -this time Gladys Portugues his long time companion joins him- and appears to give him some sort of moral support and self-esteem boost. Oh by the way... at this point he is still wearing a white robe and slippies. Luckly his kitchen has a huge panoramic view of the night skyline of LA, so you can get a good glimpse of what lifestyle he lives.

After a long and dramatic self-motivating speech, all of a sudden Jean Claude finds himself busting into tears... now that's unexpected! He is concerned that the producers of "Bloodsport 2" a -remake of one of the early classics that made him a star, Bloodsport-, are not interested in having him cast in the currently in development movie. He says that people have forgotten about him and that he took for granted the days when he was a huge star back in the 90s. At this point his Gladys comforts him, and... he is still in white robe and slippies. As for me, as viewer, I am as shocked as anyone else can be. If there is one thing I NEVER pictured in my life, was to see Jean Claude Van Damme having a huge meltdown in front of a camera of a reality show... while dressed with nothing but a white robe and slippies. And believe me, I have pictured some crazy stuff in my mind.

Night dives in and a new Sunrise brings a new day. After last night's emotional rollercoaster, Jean Claude wakes up eager and pumped to start (or resume) training for the fight. He says that the tears incident was just what he needed to get motivated and he emphasizes his determanation to defeat Olympic Champion Khamshing. He even has a poster of Khamshing, and Jean Claude talks to it in a menacing way... pointing at him and fist pumping, pretty much the same way Daniel Larusso does under Terry Silver's training in Karate Kid III. Right then, I have an epyphany: "this show looks like a real life Karate Kid III. The only missing thing is Terry Silver and John Kreese."

Jean Claude goes over some errands, makes some phone calls, talks to his trainer, then to some friends, he cooks, he goofs around on the computer on some headshots... I mean he does anything an average joe would do on a "retired" situation, living the life and enjoying your hard earn work as a youngster. At no instance Jean Claude is seen either hitting a sandbag, or jogging, or doing pushups.... heck he's not even seen dressed to engage in any physical training activity. One thing for sure: the spontaneity nature of Jean Claude is simply hillarious. I mean, here you have the guy from Universal Soldier, the guy who beat Bolo at Kumite... sitting on his sofa, feet up, looking at a vintage photo album of his wife when they were both in their 20s, starting to date, and while browsing through the pictures Jean Claude exclaims (with a heavy accent):

"I remember it was a difficult relationship in the beginning. I was filming in LA and she was in New York, so we didn't get to see each other much. But she sent me this photoshoot of her, from a modelling session. As soon as I got the picture, I knew she was the one. So I immediately began masturbating while looking at the picture. I used this picture a lot to masturbate. To this day, I still use it"

I had drank a slip of water and had to spit the whole thing when I heard that. "Did he just say that?" I rewind the show and play it again, only to laugh even harder. This man is nothing like I could have picture him when I went to the movies in 1994 and saw "Street Fighter", with JC portraying US Colonel Guile. This guy is literally a pandora box. Don't worry, it gets better.

After a series of uneventful errands, at night Jean Claude receives a call from a friend of his, Sheldon Lettich, who wrote the screenplays of Bloodsport and Double Impact with JC. Sheldon invites him to some sort of BBQ at his place and JC drags the Van Damme family over in his SUV: that's him, Gladys and their two kids, a son a a daughter, in their teens. While Jean Claude drives, he keeps delivering these non-sensical one-liners and bizarre pieces of dialogs. He also recalls to his kids the earlier viewing of Gladys' modelling photoshoots and how he "used her pictures to frequently masturbate". But wait, it gets even better. Apparently Jean Claude has some sort of dislike of car's air conditioners; he rather toss his own conditioning system to make the ride comfortable. Yes, I know what you're thinking... and yes it happens. Jean Claude farts while driving, laughs maniacally and forbids anyone in the car to lower the windows. The family although clearly disgusted, joins him on the laugh, like showing that this is quite a night out on the Van Damme family. He says something within the lines of "Who's the big guy? Who's got the biggest one!!??" Well, I guess no one can argue against him on that area.

Luckly I was able to catch another episode right after this one finished, apparently it was a back-to-back airing... but right now I'm struggling to find the rest of the first season (yes, apparently there is a second season on the works). Do I recommend the show? Of course I do! It's just one surprise after another. I only highighted a few ones, but believe me, there are PLENTY, like Jean Claude's own particular way of playing Golf during a dinner party with a friend in Hong Kong. I urge anyone who is into celebrity reality shows, to watch Jean Claude's Behind Closed Doors. Gene Simmons is fascinating for his portrayal of the never ending business guy deal maker; the Osbournes are, well the Osbournes; Snoop Dogg's is amazing for showing how down to Earth he is despite what appearances look like. But Jean Claude Van Damme's Behind Closed Doors... is simply too much!

By the way, I am still looking forward to the fight... but you never see ANY effort put into it.